Thursday, January 30, 2014

REPORT: The Onion Unknowingly Reveals FTM Owner, Publisher Leading Mysterious Double-Life

Left: "Mark Collier" seen in Fort Thomas, KY (Facebook), Right: "Mark Collier" witnessed in Charlotte, NC (The Onion)
by PAT LaFLEUR
Imitative Reporter, Fort Thomas Matters

CHARLOTTE, NC/FORT THOMAS, KY — Just who is "Mark Collier?" FTM and The Onion are looking to find out.

According to a report filed Wednesday by national news source The Onion, Mark Collier, owner, editor, and contributor to this news site — and also alleged Charlotte-based digital marketing professional — has come to "the horrifying realization that he was [also] putting down roots in the city of Charlotte, N.C.”

What seems to have been revealed as a secret double-life is as much news to Collier as to everyone else. “No no no, this can’t be right. I’m not settling down and making a go of it in Charlotte,” he told The Onion. “Am I?”

The owner of Fort Thomas Matters told FTM in an exclusive interview that, even though he’s just as surprised as everyone, “It kind of explains a lot,” he said, as he shuffled through a pile of receipts he’d saved, all mysteriously from one of three “Sizzlin’ Saturday” food trucks, all located in Charlotte. 

“Until now, I had no idea where these had come from, honestly,” said a perplexed Collier.

Investigators and psychiatrists are still working to determine exactly how long Collier may have been unknowingly building a life in Charlotte. 

The possibility that the two Colliers are, in fact, two individuals who coincidentally share the same name has not been offered as a theory.

Collier also learned from The Onion’s inadvertent expose that while he claims to be 30 years old in Fort Thomas, in Charlotte he is evidently 31.

Collier had no comment on which is his actual age, which isn’t the only discrepancy between the two “Mark Colliers.” In Charlotte, he reportedly holds a job at a digital marketing agency, whereas in Fort Thomas, in addition to owning and operating Fort Thomas Matters, Collier also works for a family-owned vending distribution company. He holds distinct residences, with distinct phone numbers, and interacts with completely distinct social networks.

Sources say Collier even changes his physical appearance when transitioning from city to city, and from life to life (see photo above).

But amidst all those differences, some things remained oddly consistent. Both Marks hail from a “Queen City,” and sources confirm they both root for basketball teams nicknamed the Cats. 

Authorities have refrained from comment on whether or not the Mark Collier living in Charlotte and the Mark Collier living in Fort Thomas are actually the same individual.

Be that as it may, you must admit: the evidence just seems to be piling up.

More as it develops, here at FTM.


(This story is a piece of satire. No one with any self respect would go around with a name like "Mark Collier"... let alone TWO people... or one person, TWICE.)

6 comments:

  1. Wow, what a dumb article. If you have nothing to report, then just do not report. Terrible article. Please stick to Ft Thomas news.

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  2. Aaaaaand the award for first comment that doesn't get it is this guy/girl ^^^^^.


    Hahahahahaha. Get a sense of humor man.

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  3. I think it's brilliant. Hope The Onion picks it up. Props Pat.

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  4. But which Mark Collier is commenting on the article? Perhaps we should get the opinions of both Mark Colliers. Mark, do you have Mark's number?

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  5. I just called the number I have for MARK COLLIER in my phone. Busy. Seems like a busy dude.

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  6. Love it!! The Onion is brilliant! Any "fake" news organization that dupe Iran AND North Korea into thinking they are real news is all right by me! Congrats, it's an honor being picked up by the Onion!

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