Friday, April 1, 2016

Big Changes Ahead for Tower Park



Here at Fort Thomas Matters, we strive to bring news to our readers as quickly and efficiently as possible. Sometimes, however, we have to hold off on revealing important information until all the pieces are in place for the story. That applies to today's news. 

For the past year, the City of Fort Thomas has quietly been courting offers by a few major corporations that are interested in Tower Park, and has officially received an offer to privatize the park. The plans will take some time since the government owns many of the buildings, but it could financially be a game changer for the city as a whole. 


Imagine this: Merchants and Music becomes a popular stop for some of the world's biggest musical acts. The armory can undergo major renovations while also maintaining it's historical status. The museum can be expanded to include all of Northern Kentucky. 

The offer comes from one of Donald Trump's companies. Yes, that Donald Trump. Trump and company see Tower Park as a great investment. Trump is reportedly also taking a grassroots approach to making America great again, and investing in smaller cities throughout the country. 

Their plans include stabilizing the iconic Tower's roof in order to create an observation deck, and turning the Mess Hall into a world-class dining establishment. Think New York City's Tavern on the Green, but in Tower Park. The softball field will likely be replaced with a garden and small petting zoo. 

They won't stop there. According to Trump​'s camp, the wall surrounding the reservoir just isn't making the grade. Therefore, in a classic Trump move, the wall will be rebuilt by the City of Fort Thomas using tax payer funds. According to a spokesperson for one of Trump's companies, "It will be big. It will be beautiful. It will be a Trump wall. What more do I need to say?"

Fort Thomas residents will be able to access Tower Park for free with city resident identification cards, which will become mandatory to all residents by 2018. The cards are free of charge (thanks, Donald!) to all residents. Five guest passes will be issued to each household on a yearly basis. You may request more passes once a year for special events. 

So what about the soccer field and the track? How can you visit loved ones at Carmel Manor? How about the VA Hospital? Here's the plan: the River Road entrance will be a public entrance to the VA, Carmel Manor, and the track. A gate will be built between the VA and the Armory. Although the soccer field is part of the public entrance, it will only be accessible with resident ID cards. The only exception being for high school sporting events. 

If all goes according to plan, Trump Tower Park will have a grand opening gala in Spring 2017 with performances at the amphitheater and food. April Fool's Day will be the theme, so start planning those outfits now!

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24 comments:

  1. I think Disney would do a better job! 🙂

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  2. this is an april fools joke, right? Trump Tower Park, really?

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  3. I thought it was our park, paid for with our tax money!

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  4. If Donald Trump has his fingers on it, then Fort Thomas will get screwed for the profit and greater glory of Trump. Do you really want to see the Tower emblazoned with a "Trump" sign on it? Run away!

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  5. I would like to a horse race track, and horse raceing all year round!! Lol just saying

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  6. April Fool's day joke, has to be!!!!

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  7. I don't like it. I grew up in fort thomas and moved to another city. So now i won't have access to a park I love.

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  8. God i hope this garbage is an april fools joke

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  9. Love it. Thanks for bringing laughter to my day!

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  10. I hope that this is an April Fools joke..

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  11. Oh! It's April Fools! You totally got me. Made me want to move there for a minute.

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  12. I think this deal was negotiated by Mr L.E.Phant...

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  13. Har-har, that's rich! April Fools right back atcha' ya!

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  14. I just puked a little in my mouth, not so much because of the Donald, and more so because of the wall and mandatory Fort Thomas Identification Cards:) Good April First reporting y'all.
    ~Bret Olson

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  15. Man, I wish this wasn't a joke. Donald Trump would make a wonderful addition to the community.....along with his park.

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  16. I see the satire and irony of your journalism. You're projecting how the aspirations of power seeking ego maniacs, combined with fear mongering, could infringe upon the human rights of even the most insulated and idyllic communities. Well done. You deserve an "Onion" award.

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  17. As someone who was born and raised in Ft. Thomas, but now lives out of state, I actually had tears forming in my eyes. Until I read the last line. Thank God! Please, PLEASE leave some of our childhoods in tact, Ft. Thomas. Please. Memories are everywhere in that town. I need to refer to them now and again when I return for visits. Keeps me grounded.

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