Saturday, April 22, 2017

Top of the Tower: Local Dog Sparks Animal Rights Movement



By Stephanie Class, Imitative Reporter 

RABBIT HASH, KY -- Adam and Tina Roberts recently took a trip down to Rabbit Hash, Kentucky, and visited the town's iconic General Store. “We were looking forward to seeing the rebuilt store, and to support the town,” said Tina. However, what was supposed to be a nice afternoon for the couple and their 4 year-old Border Collie, Bullwinkle, almost turned into a catastrophe.

They had spent the afternoon listening to bands performing at the store, and also were introduced to the town's mayor, Brynn. Rabbit Hash is known for electing dogs as town officials, and 3 year-old pit bull Mayor Brynn has been in office since the beginning of 2017. Bullwinkle particularly enjoyed getting to know Mayor Brynn, and spent close to an hour chasing down tennis balls with her. From Adam and Tina's perspective, the day had been rather idyllic.



But upon returning to Fort Thomas, Adam and Tina quickly realized that things weren't the same with Bullwinkle. At first it was just little things here and there, and then his odd behavior started to escalate.

“He was acting strange. He wouldn't even really look at us, and wouldn't go for walks with us. He spent a lot of time outside in our yard barking at the neighbors' dogs. He's basically the Ron Swanson of dogs, so I knew we had a major problem on our hands when he refused to eat my leftover scraps of meat,” said Adam.

They started by taking Bullwinkle to the vet, but even the vet couldn't find anything wrong with him. In a last ditch effort to figure out the source of his issues, the Roberts family decided to consult a pet psychic. The pet psychic explained to the couple that Bullwinkle was unhappy with his town and feeling discriminated against. “According to the psychic, Bullwinkle felt like Fort Thomas did not take dogs seriously like they do in Rabbit Hash," said Tina. "Meeting Mayor Brynn really opened his eyes to the political climate.”

Remember how the Roberts noticed that Bullwinkle was spending a lot more time seemingly just barking at the neighbors dogs? Well, that was actually the early stages of an animal rebellion. The pet psychic told Tina and Adam that they should be glad that they caught the issue when they did. Otherwise, there might have been an uprising in the town. Word had gotten around to the dogs at the Highland Park dog park, and information easily spread throughout town to other animals. The Roberts family was able to step in and defuse the situation before the dogs had a chance to mobilize.

“Dogs truly are man's best friend, but this could have easily turned them into man's mortal enemy,” said Adam.

Tina and Adam have worked with Bullwinkle to make him feel like more of an important part of the community. They plan to take the steps necessary to allow animals to become elected officials like in Rabbit Hash.

“Bullwinkle really started an important movement here in town. I think years from now people will really praise him, and together with our animals, we can make this town even greater,” said Tina.

Today's article was sponsored by the "Free Fort Thomas Reservoir" group.

Editor's Note: Top of the Tower is our version of The Onion. This is satire. Please take it as such. Top of the Tower is brought to you by our talented writer, Stephanie Class. You might know her from other top hits such as Trump to Privatize Tower ParkNKY To Welcome Professional Basketball Team and Bravo Bringing Real Housewives Series to Fort Thomas.

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